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(25 People Likes) What were the weird things you did when extremely bored while serving in the military?
straight out of AIT and was wrenching on Blackhawks in-country just a few months after finishing training. About 6 weeks after we arrived we made a trip outside the wire to a local gravel pit for Small Arms Practice. Shortly after finishing our first firing iteration and settling in for an MRE lunch we were overrun with Gypsy kids. Not to reinforce stereotypes but they are thieving little bastards and damn good at it. In the commotion, my Kevlar helmet was stolen along with several other items from our gear pile because the PFC guarding it had gotten distracted. We returned to base and I filed the paperwork for a field loss with my squad leader as I was supposed to, and forgot about it. A month or so later we had an equipment inventory and my Kevlar was missing. Enter my Platoon Sergeant who was a self-centered space cadet and a first-rate scumbag. He had forgotten to file my field loss paperwork and now had nothing to blame the missing equipment on. Rather than copping to his mistake he threw me under the bus and claimed I never informed him and must have "lost" my $1,000.00 helmet. My squad leader was pissed because he had personally given him my field loss paperwork. As a result, I was given a summary grade article 15, forced to pay $1000.00 for a helmet, and given a month of guard duty. The latter would turn out to be a serious mistake on his part. Deployment is usually hyper boring. I took all that bottled up boredom and made it my mission in life to get revenge on this guy for screwing me out of a thousand dollars. I fucked with him in numerous ways, two of which are most worth retelling. I may have gone slightly overboard. I am an INFOSEC professional and was prior to entering the military. So I enlisted a friend with a set of 2-way radios and started to screw with him using NETSEND messaging. (This was early 2000 and rules were looser) He had a habit of viewing pornography on his government computer while eating donuts in his CONEX. I had my friend spy on him with some binocs and relay his behavior to me over the radio so I could contextualize my messages. It would start something like: "Warning viewing of pornography is against DoD policies and will be prosecuted if uncovered... Etc." My friend would relay "He just blew it off and grabbed another donut." Next message: "Hey fatass, don't blow me off, put down the donut, wipe the sugar off your uniform, and click out of Playboy. Don't make me turn you in." It continued in this vein for several weeks until he was searching his CONEX for hidden cameras and calling base Ops to confess to his pornography viewing habits. He ended up being hospitalized in Germany for an anxiety attack due to concerns over him displaying symptoms of "paranoia". Wayne Newton visited him, he made the base newspaper at Ramstein AFB. However, I was still not satisfied as he screwed our entire platoon in a number of ways in the interim. When I went to Hungary on pass I visited the nastiest sex shop I could find (way nastier than I expected, Hungarians are apparently very freaky) with a diabolical and well-fantasized plan hatched on my month of unearned guard duty. A mind tends to wander when staring at a pitch black tree line for 10+ hours. Unfortunately for him, he had given me a good reason for it to wander in a productive direction, his direction. You see the base defense guys were special forces and had a sick sense of humor. I had also become good friends with most of them during my extra duty. As a result, I was able to enlist them in my revenge fantasy come to life, with their participation becoming somewhat enthusiastic as I laid out my plan. Sick senses of humor often find common cause in the Service. While I was in that sex shop I purchased "Granny Tranny" (the actual title) magazine, a bottle of lidocaine infused lube, and a purple tinted clear double ended jelly dildo longer and girth(ier) than my arm. These items were properly secured in the bottom of my duffle which I knew would not be searched, because the searchers were in on it. They did search my bag in private w dark elf sex doll en we got back to base to make sure we followed the rules. No rules against dildos but it would have ruined the surprise if I got "caught" in public during a random bag check. There was a lot of praise for my choice of weapons. I stored that shit in the BDOC locker until right before we redeployed back to the states. My time on guard duty was clench in the execution of my plan, my PSG had been the architect of his own demise. I knew the routine and so after everyone packed their shit and left it in their Barracks room for the detail to load I let myself into the PSGs room with a key sourced from a disgruntled roommate (my squad leader). I proceeded to stash the half-full bottle of lube, magazine which I had splashed with water/lube to make it look well used, and rather scuffed double ended monster in one of his bags. (There may have been a dildo sword fight or three with it by bored BDOC staff on the night shif Real Doll , one of which may or may not have involved the dildo->face version of a slap fight between two bored SF e-6’s, rendering one of them unconscious…) I then misted the outside of his bags with chow hall gravy diluted in water to make sure the drug dogs alerted. You see all our stuff was set out for us, an entire battalion worth, as we stood at parade rest in front of our departure aircraft while the base defense team ran dogs over our bags prior to loading the aircraft. Anything that was found resulted in the culprit being called out in front of the entire battalion while their shit was dumped all over the ground and searched. When they got to the PSG’s bags the dogs alerted strongly as food (chow hall gravy) is not allowed. I swear Karma was in on the joke because he could not have played into it any better had it been rehearsed. The first bag they dumped wasn't the money shot, but unsurprisingly he had tried to skirt the rules on his own and had local coffee and crackers in his bag. He was high strung and talking rapidly in a nervous tone that they really didn't need to go through his other bags because that was all he had. He essentially jumped right in front of the oncoming phallus bus by acting for all the world like he was desperate for them not to search his other bags. As one of my friends was explaining to him that it didn't work like that my other friend piped up at the top of his lungs with a drill instructors voice: "Holy fuck, Top, what the fuck is this?!?!" Being in on the joke he made sure to dramatically whip the meter plus double ender out of his duffel and hold it over his head like he was unsheathing Excalibur from the stone. It took a second for the battalion to realize what it was as it gyrated over my SF friends head, but when they did the result was a total battalion-wide loss of all military discipline. People were sitting on the ground because they were laughing so hard they couldn't stand. When my battalion commander recovered he had an obvious pee stain on his BDUs and he was not alone. To top it off my base defense friends were really getting into an improv comedy routine riffing on the best material they had after months of pranking each other with that dildo. Timing it so as soon as people started to recover they would pull another item from the duffel and double down on the misery/hilarity. "What the fuck Top, why does this lube have lidocaine?" "Dude look at that monster dildo. You would need it." “What I want to know is why is it double ended? Who is your battle buddy Top?” *retching* ”GRANNY TRANNY? Seriously?!?! What the fuck?!?!" *more vigorous retching* “Eww, dude the fucking pages are stuck together.” My platoon Sergeant was reduced to stuttering incoherently along the lines of “I swear I don't know where that came from, it's not mine.” has turned the color of a well cooked Maine lobster. When we got back to the states he dropped his retirement package instead of the promotion he had talked about. Served him right, no NCO worth a shit throws their soldiers under the bus to cover their ass. That's what officers are for. That prank became legend for a time in our unit. I never copped to it and officially nobody “knew” who did it. However, for as long as I remained at that unit, every time we had an inspection, someone managed to sneak a dildo in my duffel. I suspect that it was my squad leader who shook his head at me in a strange
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